Learning Lessons are takeaways from relationships that ended, whether well or badly. I felt like having a record of these lessons in order to help process them and move forward in better ways In some cases, there'll be things I've just discovered. In others, they will be something that I've known & felt for years but haven't put into words. The first one I'll write about; emotional unavailability.
This is the lesson I first learned in the relationship with my ex-wife as well and has shown up in a variety of situations since then.
I do plan on fleshing out the details on how this plays out, but the TL;DR is that I put a lot of energy into proving to my partner(s) that:
  • I really care about them, or
  • I'm not going to forget about them, or
  • I'm in this for the long haul, or
  • This relationship is worth putting energy into, or
  • Opening your heart to love isn't a bad thing.
It can take a lot of time, energy and effort to do that on an ongoing basis, which leaves me less of those resources for myself. It also reduces my confidence in myself. I don't need to be in unduly emotionally draining relationships.
So moving forward, I'm not getting involved with anyone who's emotionally unavailable. That doesn't mean that I want to nest with someone right away, or even soon. It does mean that I'm ready to have more relationships where feelings are given and received earnestly and without fear. I'm ready to have more optimism than cynicism in my intimate relationships. I'm ready to spend more time building with someone who's ready to build.
I'm ready.